New Year's Eve of 1989 rolled around quicker than expected. I was cooking the appetizer for a party my husband and I were going to, feeding my 5 year old daughter, and basically trying to get it together. I also wanted to run to church for a few minutes. The Methodist Church I went to had a tradition of serving communion on this night. It was a old church, over 150 years, and the lights were off, the cathedral candles lite. The music old baroque chants and the Cross highlighted at the front.
As I look back now I believe that my battle with depression started about this time. I didn't like myself, I didn't like my marriage, I didn't like not being able to afford the bills even though we were both working. I was not a happy person. So, I "ran" to church to talk to God believing that this would help and my next year would be better. As I sat down, there were only a few others there. The pastor at the front. I was absorbed in the music, read my bible reading...was going through the motions like I was supposed to do. I started to pray. I remember each word clearly: "Dear God, I am so unhappy. I am having problems with my marriage. I don't feel appreciated. I am in a glass house looking out. I hate myself..I am fat, please make me thin and beautiful again. I hate this life I am living. No wait, not all of it. My child gives me such pleasure. She is the gift of my life and I thank you for her. Please make it better for me". At that point a voice from behind me answered:
Voice: I can't make it better
Me: Excuse Me (I start to turn around)
Voice: Don't turn around...you don't need to
Me: Who are you?
Voice: You know who I am Donna
Me: How do you know my name? Jesus? Is it you?
Voice: Your Father won't make everything right the way you want. In fact, his answer is no. But, that does not mean that the changes you ask for will not happen. He won't just snap his fingers. It doesn't work like that. What Our Father will do is hold you up and stand behind you and will give you strength you need to make the changes yourself. Trust yourself, Trust God.
Me: I'm scared I am so scared
Voice: Be Still and Know I Am God. Be quiet and listen to your heart, your soul, your mind.Now, go to the front, commit yourself again, and go in peace and love.
The warmth and glow was gone. I had to dry the tears from my eyes. And as I went to the front my pastor leaned over and whispered: "We have to talk, something remarkable just happened to you. I saw the glow and the shadow." And then I knew, I had met Jesus.