Thursday, August 6, 2009

My Will Be Done Pt.1

New Year's Eve of 1989 rolled around quicker than expected. I was cooking the appetizer for a party my husband and I were going to, feeding my 5 year old daughter, and basically trying to get it together. I also wanted to run to church for a few minutes. The Methodist Church I went to had a tradition of serving communion on this night. It was a old church, over 150 years, and the lights were off, the cathedral candles lite. The music old baroque chants and the Cross highlighted at the front.

As I look back now I believe that my battle with depression started about this time. I didn't like myself, I didn't like my marriage, I didn't like not being able to afford the bills even though we were both working. I was not a happy person. So, I "ran" to church to talk to God believing that this would help and my next year would be better. As I sat down, there were only a few others there. The pastor at the front. I was absorbed in the music, read my bible reading...was going through the motions like I was supposed to do. I started to pray. I remember each word clearly: "Dear God, I am so unhappy. I am having problems with my marriage. I don't feel appreciated. I am in a glass house looking out. I hate myself..I am fat, please make me thin and beautiful again. I hate this life I am living. No wait, not all of it. My child gives me such pleasure. She is the gift of my life and I thank you for her. Please make it better for me". At that point a voice from behind me answered:

Voice: I can't make it better

Me: Excuse Me (I start to turn around)

Voice: Don't turn don't need to

Me: Who are you?

Voice: You know who I am Donna

Me: How do you know my name? Jesus? Is it you?

Voice: Your Father won't make everything right the way you want. In fact, his answer is no. But, that does not mean that the changes you ask for will not happen. He won't just snap his fingers. It doesn't work like that. What Our Father will do is hold you up and stand behind you and will give you strength you need to make the changes yourself. Trust yourself, Trust God.

Me: I'm scared I am so scared

Voice: Be Still and Know I Am God. Be quiet and listen to your heart, your soul, your mind.Now, go to the front, commit yourself again, and go in peace and love.

The warmth and glow was gone. I had to dry the tears from my eyes. And as I went to the front my pastor leaned over and whispered: "We have to talk, something remarkable just happened to you. I saw the glow and the shadow." And then I knew, I had met Jesus.


  1. What a beautiful reflection of GOD's heart through yours. Donna, Thank you for sharing your experience with each of us.
    I love you, Andrea

  2. Thank you so much for sharing this intimate moment of a difficult time in your life. I believe we have all been at that crossroads at some point.

    The best thing about it was that God was there, and He always will be.

    Love and Hugs ~ Kat

  3. That was a beautiful encounter...and how many lives were changed when we met Jesus. Yes, our lives would never be the same but it is a life of no regrets with Jesus by our side. God bless.

  4. What a gift the Lord gave you! A beautiful manifestation of HIS PRESENCE! Of course you can remember every word!:)
    The Lord is with you always no matter what ...I just thought of PSALM 91 and thought I would encourage you to stand on these words for each day. You are His cherished daughter!
    You inspire me with each post.