Thank You With Much Love

This has been the second worst week of my life. The first being the 5 weeks that my Dad was sick then passing over. In lost desparation I received the massive outpouring of love and prayers I knew that I would not be alone. I hurt so much watching my dear wonderful daughter struggle with the acceptance that she had been raped. Her anger, her low self-esteem, the struggle her boyfriend is going to. It is so painful for me. She is seeking help for which I thank God. With her struggle it has not become just about her, but about all women and this ugly injustace.

My cat was put to sleep on Thursday. The vet let me lay down with her and hold her. I heard her last breath. She purred until the end. Today I took out the litter box, washed her bowl and collected her toys for my daughter's cat. I miss her so much. I expect her to walk around a corner and slap the dog, or open the bathroom door. My dog has been going to the pantry where her food was and then to where we fed her. He went to litter box, paces from room to room and cries. He misses her too.

So much more, and I am tired. I am fighting my depression as hard as I can right now. I know I am in that downward spiral I get with the bi-polar but I am fighting. I am allowing myself the time to mourn. I am taking my meds. I have been going back to each of your posts for my bible verses. They are helping.

On a good note, I have many more blogs to become friends with. My love and blessings to each of my new and loving friends.

???

How do I grab a button from another blog to pass on? Now you each know that I am new to this.

Help Please

I need Bible verses. I can't find anything to settle my soul. My cat will die today. I feel anger with my husband. My daughter has been raped and her boyfriend just can't let it go so that she can get help and get on with her life. His anger has about destroyed their relationship. y mother is getting older. I feel estranged from my sister. It is becoming too much for me. I have caught myself sleeping alot. I can't let the depression control my life but it is creeping in. Dear friends, please help me.

Dear Kitty

My dear kitty's days are at an end. She is in renal failure and when our daughter gets in on Thursday we will let her go. I believe that God loves our animals also and that he is waiting for her to give the angels as much pleasure and love as she did us. My heart is breaking...my heart hurts.

Life Goes On

Good morning dear friends. Yesterday I left my Mother in her new home and came back to mine after being gone for 6 weeks. With all that has happened with my mother's move and my daughter I am exhausted physically and emotionally. But, the "@#@$" didn't stop when I got home.

My daughter and I had a chance to just be together with the 6 1/2 hour ride home. She has contacted the Navy in two different divisions of the base in Japan to find out how she can report this. The reply they gave was since she was not in the Navy they could do nothing. She was told that possibly that if she reported it to her police department they could give you the information you needed. Luckly her dear boyfriend is a policeman where they live and he can help. She is also going to a crisis center today now that she is home and I am sure they will have the answers on how to proceed. I am so proud of her finally screaming I won't take this anymore. Will keep you updated.

I am in awe of each of you that responded to my cries. And for you that this story bringing back the horrors in your own lives, I am so proud of you speaking out. My prayers for your healing are daily and I sincerely hope that your know that I will always stand behind you in your journey.

Telling my mother goodbye was so hard. But my daughter stressed to me alot on the way home that I am going to get sick again if I don't take care of me. It is time to let go. 5 years ago after my father died and I took over everything I became very ill. Apparently she feels that I am heading down that road. When did our children grow up enough to start taking care of us?

When I walked into the house last night, my husband announced that the cat has been spitting up blood for the past 4 weeks but didn't tell me bacause he didn't want me to worry. When asked why he didn't take her to the vet he informed my daughter and me that he had to work and on Saturday and Sunday's he didn't want to do anything. He told me that he knew I would take care of it when I got home. Needless to say my "mini me" went nuts on him and then barely spoke to him again before me taking her to the train station. I am going to call the vet now and see if I can't get my Ms. Charlie in this morning.

With love and prayers. Donna

My Child

Life goes on as it has been. Up in the morning and off to pack. I am almost done now and with my daughter here it has made life easier...until now. I NEED prayers for her dear friends. Tonight it all came together for me for how I had a right at times to worry. Each of knows that when something is off with our kids. Well, I have been feeling this for awhile now and just couldn't put my hand on it. And now I know. Tonight just before dinner she broke, crying hysterically and I finally was able to pull her back to my bedroom and actually had to force her to talk. She was sick she was crying so hard and then out it came. She had been raped over Christmas.
My daughter had been in a serious relationship for a long time but he was now in the navy and stationed in Japan. She had met someone and knew that decisions had to be made in the relationships. So, she went to Japan to see and spend time with a man she was considering marrying. After a few days when she realized that this life was not what she wanted and she didn't love him enough to be married, she told him. And, he raped her. She now feels like it was her fault because she couldn't make herself fight back, she couldn't force herself to come home immediately. She said she just acted like it never happened. Until a couple of weeks ago the flashbacks started and she realized what was what. She told her boyfriend, the man she wants to marry someday, about what happened and he is so confused. I don't know if he really understand the logistics of why it took her so long to say this. She is going through the feelings of guilt, shame, maybe she deserved it. NO NO NO NO NO I told her I would be by her side through this whole process of whatever she needed to do; but, I insisted that she go to a Rape Crises Center when she gets home and I will go and hold her hand if she needs me to. Her love is a NYPoliceman and has connections about how to handle this. I don't know if her guy really understands though. I pray that he can heal too and that the relationship just becomes stronger instead of breaking down like some do after crisis like this. She thinks that if it does it is her fault for telling. I keep telling her this is not her fault. It is a crime of violence and should not be ignored. Of course armed forces won't deal with it but just confronting the situation will help to heal and let him know that she won't keep quiet and she will fight back now. I saw her get mad tonight. Good for her. But I want to take the pain away. I am praying hard to God to pick her up and carry through this. One good thing is now that she has admitted to herself and the ones that love her what has happened she has gotten mad. And she will work with being mad to make sure the right athorities know what he did. She knows that nothing will come of it but the fact that she did not stay quiet will strengthen her soul.
And now she has told another. Just a few minutes ago she told her grandmother. Three generations laid in bed crying and holding each other. We will all heal together. I just want to make sure my dear sweet Karen heals and will live a whole life again. Please pray for my child.

Tired

Last night the manic phase of my bi-polar started. I paced, I rolled over and over in bed, my mind runs and the voices start yelling about everything I need to do. Each voice tries to talk over the other and each to make sure I hear the things that they want me to do. Needless to say it was a restless night.

My sister and I do not have a great relationship. She is selfish, believes that she should be taken care of and feels everyone "owes" her for all the bad choices she was talked into making. She is supposed to be here to help with the last of my mom's move and pick up the things that she wants from the old house. She has now put it back 3 times this week. I just can't deal with her, the packing and unpacking, dirt, heavy loads, Mom in denial that about the "things" she does not need anymore. I'm tired. I pray and I pray harder and I am tired. Yesterday I cried, then cried harder. All I got was a headache. If it were not for a few very good friends I would not have been able to do this. There is one very very special husband and wife that have held me up when I was falling. Dear Andria, you are my sister in heart and soul. I will walk to the ends of the earth for you and Doug. Thank you for being.

Blessings to each of you and blessings to the special people in your life. Donna

Letting Go

Mom has settled into her new home and I thought I was settled with all this too. I still have more to do the next week and I am praying that I can get it all done.

Tonight we went to dinner in the dining room The food was amazing, the ambiance wonderful, and we really enjoyed our dinner. We must have we were there 1 1/2 hours. It is like a 5 star restaurant, appetizer or soup, salad, entree, dessert. Wow. Then my mind started wondering to the people around us. The widows, the old couples, the girlfriends that keep each other company. And I saw what this wonderful place was made for...getting old. I don't want my Mom to get old. I don't want to watch the progression of getting slower, walkers, thinking hard before making a decision. And then I realized that someday that my Mom would die here. That this is where she will live out the rest of her life.

Tonight I am sad. Terribly sad of knowing of what will come someday. I know take each day, each moment and praise God that we have this wonderful relationship and that we can enjoy our time together. But, I am sad. Tonight I miss my father. I miss what they had a couple, the love they shared. I'm lonely. I know that God keeps me from truly being alone, but my heart hurts.

New House

Moved Mom into her new house and it is so beautiful here. Unfortunately, the movers didn't hold up to all of their end of the bargain and I am still moving things out of the big house. I hope it is all done before I have to go home. I am exhausted from "all" the dealings with people. Mom just let's me do it all and I'm tired. I decided that I will "take care of things" and allow her to be co-dependent until I leave this time. After that, she MUST start learning to take care of things herself. Of course, it will make it much easier since all she has to do is pick up the phone.

My sister arrives on Monday. She could be a book within herself. I will write more on her someday. But for the time being, I describe her as selfish, needy, and inconsiderate of all but herself. She wants it all from mom's house that she couldn't take, and Mom gave it to her. When she asked for something and I told her Mom was taking it, her reply was "What does she need that for?". My boys need furniture. Of course, my daughter does too but dear sister of mine said mine need it more. She has one mantra: Daddy told me that he would always take care of me-you should hold up to the bargain now that he is dead". Just a taste of the story. But, I regress.

Anyway, this is the perfect place for Mom. All our prayers are answered for a safe nice place for her to live. And, she is happy. We can all thank God.

Mom and Me

GOOD NEWS!!!

Good news my praying friends. Ellen, my aunt that Andria ha been having you pray for, saw her eye doctor on Friday. The news is not as bad as she had feared. The hole has closed but it will take the bubble they put behind it about another month to 6 weeks for it to disapate. This doctor told her though that if the last doctor that did this had used a larger bubble for the surgery that she probably would not have had to go through this again. She is up, no more hanging her head. So, she is still healing and much in need for each of us to PRAY PRAY PRAY. Keep it up dear friends, our prayers are being answered. AMEN

Letting Go and Moving On

Part 3 of my "Thy Will" has to be put on hold a few days.
As a few of you have become to know, my Mother is moving to a tiered retirement and health care facility (it's more like a town to be honest). For now, she is very healthy and will be moving into a "cottage"(2100 sq.ft home) in the independent living community. Like most who move, we feel like we are just walking in circles getting nothing done for the packers that come tomorrow.
Until yesterday she was handling this move pretty well. When a friend came to help by getting the dogs and keeping them at her house until the move is complete in a few days, Mom realized that the end of living in this house was coming. As the dogs rode off she realized her dear Grace, a lovely 4 1/2 lb Papillion, would never spend another night in the only house she has never known. Mama and Daddy built this house together 20 years ago when they retired; and, her moving is letting go of one of the last things they did together . I know that I will not be able to make this move easier for her. I won't be able to stop the pain of telling a old life goodbye. But, I will be able to hand her the kleenex, hold her hand, and pray that her "new" life is full and happy. And as I do, I am asking you to pray for me that I have the strengh to help make this move the easiest I can for my mother. But most of all, please pray for my mother, Sue, that her new life is one enriched with love and friends, a quieted soul that she will live the rest of her life enriched with all that there is to offer.

My Mom and Grace

My Will Be Done - Part 2

....fast forward to Christmas Eve 1993. We had been transferred to New Jersey 5 weeks ago from Vermont. We had just found a Methodist Church that we felt at home with and attended services that special special night. On the way home, my daughter and I were discussing the birth of Jesus. Out of no where she announced "I don't believe in Jesus anymore. I don't believe in Christmas. I don't believe in Santa. I don't think I believe in anything". I am sure you can understand what I felt and how my heart fell. I asked her why and she responded that she had been praying for a week and had written Santa for only one thing and she didn't get it. I asked what it was and she wouldn't tell me but after much cajoling she said "Snow."
Snow! Now what? It was 45 degrees and clear clear skies. It wasn't going to snow. I knew what I answered would be very important. So, I explained that sometimes God doesn't answer our prayers the way we want and I am sure that he has a reason. Maybe it was to believe no matter what. She became very quiet. We arrived home and she shot upstairs crying and slamming the door to her bedroom. I started the soup and looked out the window and prayed: "God, help me say the right words to this lost child. She is miserable living here. She has lost her friends, all she knows, and her faith. When I open my mouth, let them come from you." (Now go get a tissue)
I looked out the window and it was snowing! Snow! At 45 degrees and clear skies. I called her down and made her close her eyes as I led her into the back yard. I held her head up to the skies, told her to stick out her tongue and open her eyes. And, as we stood in the backyard crying, I looked at the yards next door and there was nothing there. Not on either side, not across the street. "Thank you Lord. Thank you for this miracle to give my child. Thank you thank you thank you!" And as I prayed the snow stopped. We went in and within 5 minutes the snow was gone, the stars were out. Sometimes our prayers are answered.
That night faith was lost, faith was found.
Be still and know that I am God.

My Will Be Done Pt.1

New Year's Eve of 1989 rolled around quicker than expected. I was cooking the appetizer for a party my husband and I were going to, feeding my 5 year old daughter, and basically trying to get it together. I also wanted to run to church for a few minutes. The Methodist Church I went to had a tradition of serving communion on this night. It was a old church, over 150 years, and the lights were off, the cathedral candles lite. The music old baroque chants and the Cross highlighted at the front.

As I look back now I believe that my battle with depression started about this time. I didn't like myself, I didn't like my marriage, I didn't like not being able to afford the bills even though we were both working. I was not a happy person. So, I "ran" to church to talk to God believing that this would help and my next year would be better. As I sat down, there were only a few others there. The pastor at the front. I was absorbed in the music, read my bible reading...was going through the motions like I was supposed to do. I started to pray. I remember each word clearly: "Dear God, I am so unhappy. I am having problems with my marriage. I don't feel appreciated. I am in a glass house looking out. I hate myself..I am fat, please make me thin and beautiful again. I hate this life I am living. No wait, not all of it. My child gives me such pleasure. She is the gift of my life and I thank you for her. Please make it better for me". At that point a voice from behind me answered:

Voice: I can't make it better

Me: Excuse Me (I start to turn around)

Voice: Don't turn around...you don't need to

Me: Who are you?

Voice: You know who I am Donna

Me: How do you know my name? Jesus? Is it you?

Voice: Your Father won't make everything right the way you want. In fact, his answer is no. But, that does not mean that the changes you ask for will not happen. He won't just snap his fingers. It doesn't work like that. What Our Father will do is hold you up and stand behind you and will give you strength you need to make the changes yourself. Trust yourself, Trust God.

Me: I'm scared I am so scared

Voice: Be Still and Know I Am God. Be quiet and listen to your heart, your soul, your mind.Now, go to the front, commit yourself again, and go in peace and love.

The warmth and glow was gone. I had to dry the tears from my eyes. And as I went to the front my pastor leaned over and whispered: "We have to talk, something remarkable just happened to you. I saw the glow and the shadow." And then I knew, I had met Jesus.

The Ant and the Contact Lens

This was sent to me by a friend of mine. It's a good way for me to start a group of writings for the next few days.

Brenda was almost halfway to the top of the tremendous granite cliff. She was standing on a ledge where she was taking a breather during this, her first rock climb. As she rested there, the safety rope snapped against her eye and knocked out her contact lens. "Great", she thought. "Here I am on a rock ledge, hundreds of feet from the bottom and hundreds of feet to the top of this cliff, and now my sight is blurry." She looked and looked, hoping that somehow it had landed on the ledge. But it just wasn't there. She felt the panic rising in her, so she began praying. She prayed for calm, and she prayed that she may find her contact lens. When she got to the top, a friend examined her eye and her clothing for the lens, but it was not to be found. Although she was calm now that she was at the top, she was saddened because she could not clearly see across the range of mountains. She thought of the bible verse "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth." She thought, "Lord, You can see all these mountains. You know every stone and leaf, and You know exactly where my contact lens is. Please help me." Later, when they had hiked down the trail to the bottom of the cliff they met another party of climbers just starting up the face of the cliff. One of them shouted out, "Hey, you guys! Anybody lose a contact lens?" Well, that would be startling enough, but you know why the climber saw it? An ant was moving slowly across a twig on the face of the rock, carrying it! The story doesn't end there. Brenda's father is a cartoonist. When she told him the incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and the contact lens, he drew a cartoon of an ant lugging that contact lens with the caption, "Lord, I don't know why You want me to carry this thing. I can't eat it, and it's awfully heavy. But if this is what You want me to do, I'll carry it for You." I think it would do all of us some good to say, "God, I don't know why You want me to carry this load. I can see no good in it and it's awfully heavy. But, if You want me to carry it, I will." God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. Yes, I do love GOD. He is my source of existence and my Savior. He keeps me functioning each and every day Without Him, I am nothing, but with Him....I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. (Phil. 4:13)

Filling the Empty Vessel

Yesterday, while I was busy getting ready for my mother's move, once again she calls me to come get something. I was becoming frazzled and more than a little impatient with all the interruptions. Down the stairs I go and she asks me to look up into the back of a obscure shelf and see if there was a old pickle jar. When I found it she told me that it had belonged to my grandmother, my great-grandmother and no telling who else in the family since the early 1900's had used it. Now this jar is NOT a little jar. I haven't measured but I would start to guess at about 3 gallons. The metal lid is dented and a little rusty but the jar with it's beveled glass that prisms when you hold it to the light is perfect. Mama told me that this would be the perfect thing to put my sea glass and tiny shells (I collect the ones that are the size of my thumb nail or smaller) in.

The jar reminds me of myself. Empty, closed, and wanting to be filled again. Today, I will put my first piece of sea glass in the jar. Working to fill it again; and, like my journey in recovery, each little piece I put back into my life I will shine like the prisms in the jar and be filled with joy.

New Day

I am amazed I slept as well as I did last night. Until 4 this morning I was out, then the mind wakes and starts "running". I do have coping techniques to stop this put it takes a while to settle. My mother is moving into a retirement community that is geared to the level of care each resident needs. For now, she will be living in a cottage for independent living. She made a comment yesterday about passing the torch to the next in line to take care of their parents and how hard it is for the parent to turn over the control but she is ready for me to take over now. (Now we all know what set me off) So, now I have a list two pages long that needs to be done before next Monday when the movers come; and, at the same time, trying to figure out a way to make her understand that she needs to making alot of these decisions. I really am not whining, just overwhelmed. No wonder my heart starts to pound, I can't breathe and my mind shuts down.



On the light side, I had a wonderful night with my Kelby on the floor by my side, waking me up at 7 this morning dancing because he is with his "Mommy" again. I miss putting my swimsuit on this morning and hunting for seaglass. I wanted to find a green piece.

ByeBye Beach

Leaving the OBX today was extremely hard. I guess I lost track of time for a few weeks and coming back down was a real reality check. I need to remind myself to remember the special moments with my Mom, the quiet moments spent with friends looking for shells (or in my case, Sea Glass), or just watching the sunset and sharing jokes and a margarita. Still think I should have chained myself to the pillars then maybe the owners would just let me live in their house. On the happy side, I got my doggie, Kelby, back from Camp Poodle. We are both relieved to be reuinited again.
Labels: beach, dog, vacation

Step 1

This is my first post with a blog. A year ago I would have never considered the idea of sharing my most intimate feelings of Depression, Bi-polar, and PTSD. My hopes are that through my writings, I will continue to progress in my recovery and be able to share my newfound Ah-Ha moments.

I have been vacationing in the Outer Banks for the past two weeks and this is my last night to savor in the sound of the ocean and the vastness of the stars, remember the feeling of the sun on my face, the laughter at dinner with family and good friends. It will be these moments I now have to force myself to remember. The vacation has settled and grounded me until tonight. The sadness is overwhelming and the panic attacks are starting. My mind runs and I can't settle down to rest even though I am exhausted. I know it is time to go take my medicine; but once I do, I will go to sleep and I will leave this sancutary of mine for another year.